Let’s Go Patriots!

Go-PatriotsI’ve never sincerely used the phrase “haters gonna hate” before the Patriot’s football deflation scandal—my preferred colloquialism being Ballghazi. The Patriots are a really good team and have been for a pretty long time now. Ballghazi is just an overblown response by people who despise the Patriots and think their fans are a bunch of fake people. Well I’ve rooted for my home team since before they ever won their first Super Bowl:

My brother and me wearing a whole bunch of Patriots gear (and, inexplicably, I’m also wearing a Dallas Cowboys hat but my childhood was full of fashion faux pas but at least the snowman is wearing a hat that says “Boston” on it).

I used to play NFL Quarterback Club ’99 as the Patriots all the time and that was with Drew Bledsoe as quarterback! (A game so unrealistic, I scored most of my touchdowns by just running Bledsoe around the opposing defense.)

One of my favorite childhood memories is watching the Super Bowl in 1997 with my family. It was the Patriots vs the Packers. I didn’t even totally understand the game—too many rules—but I knew which team I wanted to win. The Patriots lost but that didn’t really matter to me because I was a kid and I cheered for the home team. I hung up a pennant in my bedroom touting the AFC Champions and I was happy to have that.

So this Sunday, for Super Bowl XLIX, I’ll be rooting for the New England Patriots, just like I always have.

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Let’s ALL watch a movie

photo credit: BitKeeper82 via photopin cc

photo credit: BitKeeper82 via photopin cc

A man dressed in full subway construction worker gear sits down two seats away from me, with a woman seated in between us, and pulls out a Galaxy Note or some such phone of ridiculous size. He starts up a video player but doesn’t plug-in any headphones. We’re in a subway stop with a train loudly leaving the station. He tries to turn up the volume but it’s already at the max. I guess as soon as this train leaves, we’re all watching this movie.

I glance over, something is walking in the woods. My mind immediately goes to Lord of the Rings. Is this man trying to watch a two-hour long movie in bits and pieces aloud in subway stations?

I get a closer look. It’s not people walking around in the woods—or hobbits—it’s monkeys. The man laughs under his breath, “Heh, they’re just like humans.”

The woman who sits between the man and I says, confused, “I thought they were gonna talk but I guess they’re just gesturing.”

The construction worker says, “It’s, Planet of the Apes.” (Though I think he meant one of the newer ones, which are more specifically, Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes but I doubt that distinction was necessary.)

Then the women replies, “I’ve never seen it.”

Well, I haven’t seen Rise/Dawn of the Planet of the Apes either but I’ve sure heard of one of the most famous movie franchises ever. They’ve made four of them, one like fifty years ago and three more this millennium. There’s no excuse for being unaware of this movie.

Now I don’t know who is annoying me more, the guy making me listen to a Planet of the Apes movie while I wait for my train to arrive or the woman who has probably never heard of Star Wars.

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Helicopters

photo credit: dolanh via photopin cc

photo credit: dolanh via photopin cc

Union Square in Manhattan is a popular area for shopping. There are lots of stores, there are restaurants, there’s a park with outdoor stuff like farmers’ markets and holiday shopping around Christmas. I’m in Union Square a lot, largely because the yoga studio I go to is there.

Now with the holidays being over, all the people shilling toys have left…or so I would have thought. A couple of days ago I was walking through Union Square on a night where there were no outdoor markets, farmers’ or otherwise. However, standing where a merchant’s tent might be any other night, was a man. He didn’t seem to have truck or table or even any boxes set up. He was just standing there by himself, launching one of those toy helicopters that they are always trying to push on people at toy stores. The only toy in history which kids don’t want just by looking at the box.

It was as if I saw someone selling Christmas trees on New Year’s Day. Did this guy just forget to go home? Did he go home but he just comes back here everyday trying to sell what he knows how to sell that best? How many of these helicopters did he unwisely buy?

Maybe he just needed someone to play helicopter launchers with.

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A year in the works: Selling Snapchat

Snapchat LogoThe latest sketch by Horseshoe & Hand Grenade Productions is out and it’s called, Selling Snapchat!

Snapchat, it’s the always endearing smart phone app that’s used for sending pictures and videos to each other which expire after viewing! One might think this is used only for good but I have other ideas on why it was invented…

Starring: Matt Aromando and Karna Krishna
Written and directed by: Matt Aromando
Edited by: Laura Miner
Production assistant: Brett Burdick

Note #1: I’m already kind of nerdy looking. Whenever I tell people I’m a web developer, they say, “of course.” Nonetheless, I assume, having never seen a photo of the guy, that the inventor of Snapchat is a huge nerd and would wear nerdy button down shirts and have a nerdy cowlick (nevermind that real Matt has both those things when I’m not in “costume”).

Note #2: This sketch was written over a year ago and filmed just about a year ago but I’m afraid of editing things. (Ryan Staples edited the last thing that took a couple of years to put out. This time, I got Laura Miner to put it together.) I promise to be better about this from now on and, while I’m at it, am vowing to put out more sketch comedy than ever before!

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It must be nice…

photo credit: Patrick Savalle via photopin cc

photo credit: Patrick Savalle via photopin cc

Before Christmas, I went to a yoga class knowing that over the next few days I’d be more stressed out than usual. Now, I know that yogis have a reputation of being fake, annoying, and crazy but I haven’t really had that experience. A lot of people are really into it but in a completely tolerable way.

It’s a pet peeve of mine, though, when people talk in the first few minutes leading up to a class beginning. I lay there, trying to be calm and meditative for a moment in my life (along with almost everyone else) and someone thinks they need to fill every moment of their life with talking. Of course, I’m not unreasonable. Talking happens. But I would think these people should have the courtesy to whisper. However, there is a kind of person who just doesn’t bother to care or to think about being bothered to care. Rich, privileged, dummies.

The conversation began in the lobby area. It was small talk between two people who (from what I gathered) occasionally see each other at yoga and also happen to ski. (Typing that alone reminds me of how intolerable this all was.) The guy eventually says that he’s going up to Vermont, for Christmas and—obviously—go skiing, because his family will be there. They talk for a moment about how it will take him four hours to drive there. Her response was to sigh in disgust of that kind of car ride and said, very dryly, that a person could fly to the west coast in that much time.

Yeah, OK! Screw the family, skiing, and responsibly using money. Buy an impromptu ticket (probably in first class) to California at the beginning of the most expensive time of the year to fly. Vermont is soooo hard to get to from one state over. That’s right, Vermont is next to New York. Also, Vermont has airports. If this guy wanted to be grandiose about it, he could fly to Vermont!

Idiot.

This was my introduction to these people. Then we go into the studio. That first conversation was dumb but would otherwise just leave my brain eventually as I get my calm on in the class. But this is where they start talking to really grind my gears. I’m too new at yoga to get these people out of my head. My brain doesn’t know how to shut off outside stimuli yet. All I can do is run through my head how selfish these people are and can’t notice what everyone around them is trying to do.

Finally the girl puts the cherry on top of the self-centered sundae. She sniffles slightly. She says, I wish I had some Airborne.

Airborne, the thing people take to keep from getting sick… Why would someone say they wish they had some? Oh, I know, because they felt like they were getting sick! Well that’s fantastic because we’re all in a room with a closed-door and about to breathe excessively for the next 75 minutes.

Narcissist.

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