Monthly Archives: December 2011

The Return of Manny Ramirez?

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Well well well, former Red Sox/general baseball player Manny Ramirez wants to play again and apparently, “is calling teams directly.” Most players have an agent for such things and I can remember when he played in Boston, he was not known for talking to the press or anyone else for that matter. Then again he was also known to be a head case.

I think the single most obvious reason for him making the phone calls himself is so he can remind the general managers, “I’m not dead,” much like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I just hope one of them has the wit to say, “you’ll be stone dead in a moment,” in return.

Best wishes, Manny, I used to defend your actions when you were on the Red Sox but I can’t help you now.

5 Words You Don’t Want Describing Your Gift

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photo credit: Muffet via photo pin cc

There are plenty of words out there that you’d want describing a gift you’re giving to someone (ex. awesome, great, alluring) and there are some obviously undesirable words (ex. terrible, inappropriate, bad). Here is my list of words that aren’t obviously poor gift descriptions but they’re really no good:

  1. Useful – It is a good thing if a present is useful, it’s just not all that flattering of a thing to say about a gift. You want someone to say, “I love it,” “I’ve always wanted one of these,” or “Wow, I’ve never seen one of these before!” Not, “Oh, this is useful.” That is a polite way of telling someone they don’t know how to describe the gift they just got and that they probably don’t like it or at least they wish you got them something more fun.
  2. Big – A gift might be big in a good way, “Oh. My. God. You got me a new car!” and that’s fine. Though, your gift recipient describing the present you got them as big is a red flag if that’s the first thing they notice about it, or worse, all they can say about it. Big is not a good quality on its own. If someone got a car as a present, they would talk about the color, model, or how much it must have cost the buyer, not that it was big (even though it’s true) and for good reason.
  3. Seasonal – Some people like this kind of stuff but guess what happens if you get someone a Christmas themed anything for Christmas? At most they get to enjoy it for a few weeks before packing it up for the next 11 months. At worst they enjoy it for a few hours and then Christmas is over and as they pack it up they mutter “Thanks for the present…” under their breath. You wouldn’t buy a kid a Super Soaker for their birthday if it fell on Labor Day, same logic.
  4. Keepsake – Ah, my inspiration for writing this little blog post. The other day I got an email asking me if I wanted to buy some book as a keepsake. If you just look at how the word keepsake is assembled it means, literally, something for the sake of keeping. Not, “I’ll keep this because it’s nice” or “pretty” or because I “like it,” but just for the sake of keeping it. Just some dead weight, to own, forever! Sentimental things are good but you need a better selling point than just, “Why not?”
  5. Ambiguous – Nothing brings a gift exchange to a halt like someone not knowing what it is they just received. Particularly in a Yankee swap or Secret Santa style thing with a lot of people participating. That just invites an awkward explanation for whoever bought the unidentifiable object in question. This could be salvaged if the present is truly amazing, just make sure it isn’t a Lucky Origami Star Jar which I think is the worst legitimate attempt at a present I’ve ever seen.

There you have it, my 5 words of death for describing a bad present, please try to avoid them. If you have any to add to the list  I encourage you to comment with them below or send them my way on Twitter, I’d love to hear some!

You’d Better Bring Your Wetsuit

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From Kenmore Station, an MBTA T stop, in Boston:

Photo by Matt Aromando (2011 - Boston, MA)

Do you see that rather large chunk of blue? That is a river, you cannot walk in it. Okay, fine, drawing a circle is easier than drawing 70% of a circle and cutting it off at certain points but not that much easier. If someone is going through the trouble of commissioning someone to design this, can’t they have that person spend the extra 5 minutes to make this otherwise very realistic map make total sense? Maybe it was some contracted graphic designer that was trying to milk an extra $100 a map out of the MBTA for fixing the circles and they decided it was worth saving the money. It’s the little things that I spend way too much time thinking about.

Keywords: November 2011

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At the end of each month I like to check out, through a series of magic tricks, how people search for and find this website. Here are some of my favorites from November 2011 and my explanations for why they might have come about:

  • goldfish space adventures – I can’t believe people are Googling this for any reason, other than maybe to find someone ridiculing the idea.
  • ice clamp – I suppose I like using the words “ice” and “clamp“
  • the comedy studio under age drinking – This sounds juicy but as usual, I’m not privy to gossip but I assume people were just interested in my debut performance at The Comedy Studio.
  • brad pitt – You and I, we’re not so different. We all dream about the man.
  • conedy rejection letter – That’s not a typo, they want “conedy” rejection. Well, I’ll give it to them (one of my oldest/most popular blog posts).
  • what are people searching for – This is deep, I think we might be stuck in an infinite loop. People searching for what people search for and then landing on a page explaining what people are searching for only to discover that people are searching for what other people are searching for. Maybe it’s not deep, maybe it’s just disappointing.

I’m Getting Mixed Signals

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Classic case of being overly clever:

Photo by Matt Aromando (2011 - Brookline, MA)

Okay, so you knew you would be selling new clothes. You knew there was a term for old/used clothes. Then you went with the term for old/used clothes to describe your store that sells new clothes? Alright, I get it, you’re trying to be clever, or something. I take two issues with this: 1) The attempt to be clever is so overt that I don’t think it counts as actually being clever. 2) It’s outright confusing! I mean, I get it now. Now that you had to put up this ridiculous sign that explains what’s going on in a clothing store called Vintage that doesn’t, in fact, sell vintage clothes. A better name might have been “New Clothes in an Antiquated Store.” That would even take up less total signage! I like be original as much as the next person (heh) but this is downright silly.

Teaching a Phone to Talk (Part 3)

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I have a smartphone. The auto-correct feature for typing is pretty good and allows you to add words to the dictionary it might not otherwise have. As it would be, I have 217 words that I’ve added to my dictionary and most of them are pretty silly/unnecessary. Here is the third part (check out the first and second parts, if you missed them), letters P-Z, with commentary:

  • Palpatine – Senator/Chancellor/Emperor from Star Wars
  • peacing – How else would you leave someplace?
  • peeps – My people, my people made of marshmallows
  • penguins -Wait, plural for “penguin” isn’t “penguins?”
  • Phillies – Philadelphia, The
  • Philly – Philadelphia
  • podcasts – I agree with my phone on this one, I hate this word
  • probs – probably
  • punkass – I can’t remember using this word but I’m happy I did
  • Quaid – Was I talking about Dennis or Randy? Probs both.
  • Quincy – “City of Presidents“
  • rafting – Taking a flimsy boat down a river
  • rapper – PaRappa?
  • refreshes – Typical internet browser lingo
  • retweeted – Tell me you like what I have to say
  • rhinos – Careful when they charge
  • RI – Rhode Island
  • rizzle – real
  • Rodriques – Did I spell it wrong? I still don’t know
  • Roggie’s – A bar in Brighton, MA
  • RSVP – short for ReSerVPation
  • RT – see, retweeted
  • screwy – Not quite right, maybe a kind of OJ/vodka drink
  • scrobble – Last.fm does this with your music
  • Sealab – 2012
  • sext – Sexting, sex texting
  • sexting – see, sext
  • Shawn – a name
  • Shins – a band
  • shit – excrement
  • shittiest – the most excrement
  • sho – see, fo
  • sign-up – Get on the list!
  • slackers – People who don’t do much
  • smartphones – They can’t be too self-aware…yet
  • spinners – Do people still put these on their cars?
  • stank – Fill a place with a smell
  • steakhouse – a house, for steaks
  • Stoughton – The one place I’ve appeared on television as a comedian
  • sunblock – Safety first
  • t-shirts – opposed to v-necks
  • taco – a taco
  • TBS – Turner Broadcasting Station?
  • Thursdays – More than one day of thirst
  • tix – Tickets…for the show
  • tofu – Made up food, made up word
  • told – Wait, what? I taught my phone the word “told”
  • trending – …and another word I’m confident in
  • Triggs – Anthony
  • tripods – More than one midget…
  • trippy – “cool, freaky, groovy, amazing“
  • trolls – Villains of the internet
  • ttyl – Talk to you later!
  • Tuesdays – More than one Tuesday
  • Tweetdeck – The Twitter app I use
  • tweeted – The thing I did with Tweetdeck
  • tweeting – The thing I do with Tweetdeck
  • UCB – Upright Citizens Brigade
  • UCBeast – Upright Citizens Brigade Theater East
  • ur – your (for the simple minded)
  • v-neck – opposed to t-shirts
  • videogames – My all time favorite past time
  • w/e – whatever
  • WAAF – “The only station that really rocks!“
  • week’s – owned by the week
  • weirdo – Weirdo Al
  • WFST – A radio station I (thought) made up, where “Everything is Fast!”
  • whitener – For your teeth, certainly not mine
  • whooped – ‘cuz Stone Cold said so!
  • wildebeest – That herd of animals from The Lion King
  • Wolverine – Hugh Jackman’s secret identity
  • Worcester – My home town!
  • WTF – What the Fun?
  • WUT – WHAT?!?
  • wut – what?!?
  • xylophone – I had to check, but this is the correct spelling
  • za – and finally, my arch nemesis.

Colored Growing

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Over the summer, I went on a camping trip up to Maine. While I was up there we I went to a… let’s call it a lobster shack. While waiting for my lobster to be cooked, I looked as some souvenir-type stuff to pass the time and I came across this gem:
I imagine the name, Colored Growing, has to be some kind of translation problem, possibly Engrish. If that is the real name of this product then I demand and explanation! Anyways… the sample of the toy in that jar is pretty crazy (with my friend Chris’ hand for scale). It reminds me the episode of The Simpsons, Bart Sells His Soul, where Bart buys Dino Sponges to attack Lisa (sorry, I could only find the Spanish version of that clip). I can’t believe the lobster actually got that big (600% of size!).